Sucky Comics Sunday: December 15, 2019

FUN NEW BONUS CONTENT: There are actually people out there who create accounts for newspaper comics websites so that they can post comments about them! They are often just as funny as the comics themselves! I have extra stuff to make fun of! This will be great!

Garfield is 41 years old, so, by my calculations, that is roughly 183 years old in human years. That's like two Betty Whites. Garfield is a fat piece of shit and should've died in the '80s, but thanks to our good fortune he continues to be alive and well and ghostwritten as a side job by out-of-touch socket wrench salesmen and accountants from Wyoming. These people still think "Garfield singing on the fence" is a modern trope that the kids will enjoy instead of, literally, a 100-year-old vaudevillian reference. Here's what the internet has to say in the comments section:

-TEMPLO S.U.D.: "I'd like to know what was in the present. hopefully nothing fragile and non-returnable."

-oldpine52: "Just be glad that the Elf was all they threw, after all they could have thrown the shelf too!"

-Prey: "Who has access to elves? Santa, that's who!

Oh man, my sides are splitting! That's funny! HAhaha! I hope someone cooks and eats Garfield for Christmas.

My favorite running joke is commenting on how old all these newspaper strips are, but Beetle Bailey quite literally ran its first strip back in 1690 during the days when men burned women at the stake every time there was a lightning storm. So, keeping this in mind, you can probably imagine how hard it was for Greg and Mort Walker to not fill this particular strip with seething misogyny, and for that I'm quite proud of them. BUT they forgot to put in a funny joke, so I guess it's a wash! I think the punchline is that General Halftrack actually IS happy that the report was shredded first? However, his confusing facial expression suggests otherwise? WHO KNOWS? Let's go to the comments:

-IggyL: "Why not send it as an email attachment?"
-interventor: "Require reports to be submitted on CDs, saving paper. Modern army shredders shred CDs, as well. Or, delete content and reuse."
-John H. Reiher Jr.: "Ya know, since Lt. Fuzz is an imbecile, but one that's a stickler for regulations, create a new one that all reports much be under a 500 words. Yes, he might abuse that a produce 500 reports, but only read the top one and throw the rest away. If you can't summarize a report to around 500 or so words, you're not very good at organizing your thoughts."

GREAT ADVICE, EVERYONE. LET'S ALL PUT OUR HEADS TOGETHER AND COME UP WITH A VIABLE SOLUTION FOR THESE ONE-DIMENSIONAL CARTOON CHARACTERS. THE ARMY HAS CHANGED SINCE OUR DAY, FELLAS, BUT I'M GUESSING THESE IDEAS ARE STILL VALID, RIGHT? HAHA, I KNOW COMPUTERS! Jesus.

Everyone's favorite worst-dog-in-the-universe is at it again! This time Marmaduke has clearly broken-the-fuck into a history museum and has shamelessly stolen, without being stopped on the way back, one of the largest dinosaur bones in existence. One can also assume that the entire priceless and presumably fragile dinosaur skeleton had toppled to the floor in a torrent of shards and dust while Marmaduke was making his getaway, which means that Marmaduke's owners will now be going to prison for a good long while. A fitting end for Marmaduke's nameless owners, who should have had the good sense to put ol' Marmaduke down ages ago. You get what you deserve. Onward to the comments!:

-finkd: "He MAY have been telling the truth about the T-Rex eating the dinosaur carcass, but his time line was off byseveral million years."
-zeexenon: "Finally! It has been a long wait, but I laugh at something my inner-child to which I can relate."
-Alan Steenhouwer: "Probably not a real bone. They don’t just put out important fossils on display, or even move them. Andy dinosaur bones you see at the museum, are recreations that the museum can afford to put on display. Expensive, but not priceless."

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR INPUT. SEE YOU AT THE NEXT VFW REUNION.

Fuck off forever Marmaduke.