Sleeping Sucks

Not since I used a Domino's HeatWave bag as a backpack in 7th grade have I come up with such a brilliant idea! Are you ready for this? Are you and the rest of the world ready to listen to and absorb whatever possible nonsense I've got that will erupt forth from one of my various head orifices (hopefully the mouth, but it's not a guarantee)? Well, tough. Maybe you'll be ready in a few paragraphs.

I really, really hate sleeping, plain and simple. I hate going to bed at night and I hate getting up in the morning. I know some of you would probably respond to this by saying "Well, Chuck, how can you claim to hate sleeping and claim that you hate getting up in the morning?!!!?!!!???!!!?!?!!!!!??!?!?!?! LORLROLROL!!!!!! ROTGFLEGLFLE@!!!" Well, spaz, here's my answer: My name isn't Chuck.

If you're unsatisfied with the fact that I didn't answer the question, don't worry, I've comprised a list of reasons why I hate sleeping. If you're unsatisfied with the fact that my name isn't Chuck, then I'm at a loss for words at the moment.

-It gives me less time to do homework and study.
-It gives me less time to play all the video games I want to play.
-It gives me less time to read all the Kim Possible/Meet the Fockers crossover fan fiction that I want to read.
-It gives me less time to click Like buttons on Facebook.
-I keep having recurring nightmares about vampires.
-I keep having recurring nightmares where the people I love get dumped out of airplanes.
-I keep having recurring nightmares where my name isn't Chuck.
-People keep writing swear words and drawing male genitalia on my face with permanent marker.
-People keep doing that joke where they put my hand in a glass of warm water and then proceed to pee all over me.
-My organs keep disappearing.

All right, so what's my idea? THE ARTIFICIAL REM SLEEP SIMULATION MACHINE (U.S. Patent No. 4819292, aka "REM Sleep Simulator", "REM Sleep-N-Save", and "That Stupid Fucking Machine With the Unnecessary Buttons and Racing Stripes") Basically, it's an idea that thousands of people have probably already thought of in the past, but it involves some sort of voodoo magic resulting in a restful night's sleep in a fraction of the usual time.

Of course, my knowledge of methods to achieve this without the aid of some machine is severely limited. I'm sure caffeine and heroin are involved, and other esoteric methods such as "going to bed" have worked for some in the past, let's not get into that right now. My life goal at this moment and maybe for the next three hours of moments is to develop a machine that does all the magic of REM sleep without having to actually sleep. Which means the machine will make your eyes flutter and stuff while you're awake cooking breakfast, jogging down the street, performing open heart surgery, or acting in a box-office top film! By the next five years you'll get to see both Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson flirting across a candlelit dinner with their eyes going a mile a minute. Now that's technological progress!

Figure 1. Artificial REM Sleep Simulation Machine prototype.

As you can see, using the machine would be as easy as drilling through your skull with a Makita power drill! But instead of a harmful piece of metal becoming located where there once was no metal at all, the machine would instead fill your head with completely painless gamma radiation! These gamma rays home in on the areas of the brain responsible for REM sleep and then attack them like a firing squad. NOTE: Tests have shown that the resultant "eye-fluttering" from this process may not be REM sleep at all, but in fact an epileptic seizure. Since all of our scientists are just grizzly bears wearing lab coats, the jury is still out on this issue.

So there's some kinks to work out, big deal. The future looks bright for REM sleep simulation and once that happens, I'll finally have all the time in the world to live out my dream...building a birdcage out of many smaller birdcages.

[INSERT JOKE HERE ABOUT HOW LISTENING TO "IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT (AND I FEEL FINE)" IS THE TRUE R.E.M. SLEEP]

[DELETE SHITTY JOKE, CRY]