What's more fun than watching the Oscars? Everything. If you are the kind of person who can actually watch the mind-numbing 4 to 900 hours of the superfluous Hollywood masturbatory spectacle that is the Academy Awards, then this isn't for you. For the rest of you, I've developed a drinking game that will make the Oscars infinitely more entertaining. You know what they say, infinity times zero is still zero! Actually, this may not actually be true, but I don't know how to do math, so suck it. For those of you who don't drink you can substitute alcohol for warm milk, or Squeezits, or Pine-Sol, or whatever you can force down your gullet. Let the games begin!
Take a sip if...
...someone trips as they take the stage to accept the award.
...James Franco belches loudly into the microphone.
...Anne Hathaway gets a paper cut while opening an envelope.
...the camera cuts to a shot of Jack Nicholson.
...someone uses "127 Hours" as a joke to refer to the length of the awards show.
...the speech cut-off music starts playing and it sounds like Thriller by Michael Jackson.
Take three sips if...
...the camera cuts to a shot of Jack Nicholson and he's not wearing sunglasses.
...James Franco starts humping the podium.
...Tim Allen (Toy Story 3) accepts an award completely drunk and dressed up as Buzz Lightyear.
...Anne Hathaway says something rude about James Franco's mother.
...Natalie Portman (Black Swan) gets Pizza Hut delivered during an acceptance speech.
...a live-action rendition of a Toy Story 3 scene is acted on stage with Steve Martin as Woody and Dick Clark as Andy.
...How to Train Your Dragon wins Best Use Of The Word "Rapist".
Finish your drink if...
...Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network) says at least nine racial slurs during an acceptance speech.
...The King's Speech wins "Best Portrayal of Graphic Public Defecation".
...the camera cuts to a shot of Jack Nicholson and he's drooling.
...James Franco suffers a "wardrobe malfunction" as a result of visibly and deliberately unbuttoning his shirt.
...Christian Bale (The Fighter) throws up on the podium and walks off stage with a huge grin on his face.
...the entire audience leaves for the lobby to stretch their legs during the Best Foreign Film category.
...Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Inception) has sex with Zooey Deschanel on stage during the Coen brothers' acceptance speech.
Drink an entire new drink if...
...Anne Hathaway eats an entire rib roast.
...Jeff Bridges (True Grit) spends half an acceptance speech pimping out Duracell batteries.
...the camera cuts to a shot of Jack Nicholson and he's looking at porn on his laptop.
...Anne Hathaway mispronounces "The Social Network" as "The Princess Diaries".
...someone shines a laser pointer at James Franco every time he speaks.
...Helena Bonham Carter (The King's Speech) loses more than three teeth during an acceptance speech.
...James Franco (127 Hours) announces that he himself won Best Actor and then acts all smug about it.
Snort a line of coke if...
...Colin Firth (The King's Speech) murders a hostage during an acceptance speech.
...James Franco cuts off his own arm during the opening monologue.
...the camera cuts to a shot Jack Nicholson and his hair is on fire.
...the camera cuts to a shot of Mel Gibson slaughtering a rabbit with his car keys.
...Kodak Theatre, the location of the ceremony, gets attacked by a blimp.
...Amy Adams (The Fighter) whips out her penis during an acceptance speech.
...Inception actually, miraculously, wins something.
With this set of drinking game rules you can definitely spice up an otherwise <em>absolutely boring</em> run-of-the-mill awards ceremony! Have fun, and don't forget to keep the telephone number for the Poison Control Center handy.
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