Review: Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Easily the best movie of 2011! -- Internet Movie IMDB Database (IMIMDBDB)


Outstanding! Superlative! Incredible! In fact I had so many adjectives to say about this movie that my voice box caught on fire and now I need to learn Morse code until I can get a new one shipped -- Roger Ebert


I laughed at all the swear words -- Timmy, Age 7

NOTE: When I did a search for "Ferris Bueller" on Google this was one of the image results. The dude looks nothing like Ferris Bueller! I've been duped!

Many of you probably haven't heard of this new movie as it has flown under the radar for quite some time now (it's only playing in seven theaters in the United States and 45 in Papua New Guinea), but if you're lucky enough to live near a theater that is showing Ferris Bueller's Day Off then you're in for quite a treat! No film is more poignant, more sentimental, more piquant, more <insert synonym for the word "poignant" here> than this largely underrated, unappreciated nugget of a kernel of a morsel of a noun of another noun of a magical film experience! And you can take that to the bank! In fact, you should go to the bank anyway in order to withdraw all your savings in order to properly afford to see Ferris Bueller's Day Off enough times to really capture an appreciation for the higher art that is this film!

The movie stars Matthew Broderick, 49, who doesn't look a day older than 24, portraying 17-year-old Ferris Bueller as the titular character (Ferris Bueller). Supporting roles of Cameron Diaz Frye (played by some dude with a last name that has probably been mercilessly ridiculed by his peers since he was six years old) and Sloane Peterson (played by some hot chick who had sex with the son of the dude who created the Muppets in real life) really capture the essence of being a teenager in a rich-ass Chicago suburb. Cameron's dad owns a Ferrari! How sweet is that?

Unfortunately we only get to see the Ferrari for about roughly 75 minutes of the movie. The other 545 minutes are spent at various Chicago locales as the film centers around these three rapscallions (to put it nicely) playing hooky like Godless cretins! They spend the day doing things that normal teenagers hate doing, like eating at fancy French restaurants and going to art museums. And completely taking over a parade. And driving around in a Ferrari.

Edward Rooney, or "Principal Dickhead" as I like to call him (played by some dude who was once caught with child pornography and maybe went to jail for a few days), doesn't believe for one second that Ferris is actually at home sick. So his mission for the duration of the film is to stalk some 9-year-old girls at a playground. I mean, to find evidence that Ferris is playing hooky. I'm not going to give away any spoilers in this review (FERRIS GETS AWAY WITH IT), but let's just say that there's one hell of an M. Night Shamamlayanaghanaan twist at the end!

I feel this movie is right up there with "Justin Bieber: Never Say Never" as one of the greatest and most important movies of the year! You are doing yourself a great disservice if you...actually, on second thought, fuck Ferris Bueller's Day Off. The new Justin Bieber movie is society's answer to the question "Which movie should I see in 2011 that stars a seven-year old Canadian eunuch with a Diana Ross circa 1960 haircut?"

All right, don't see either movie. Whatever. You never listen to me anyway. You've never listened to me ONCE. I've poured all my energy into this damn relationship and I don't get SHIT back. And if you think we're still going to go bowling next Thursday then you've got another thing coming!

*cry*

Ferris Bueller's Day Off gets 4 Justin Bieber heads out of 5