Review: Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Easily the best movie of 2011! -- Internet Movie IMDB Database (IMIMDBDB)


Outstanding! Superlative! Incredible! In fact I had so many adjectives to say about this movie that my voice box caught on fire and now I need to learn Morse code until I can get a new one shipped -- Roger Ebert


I laughed at all the swear words -- Timmy, Age 7

NOTE: When I did a search for "Ferris Bueller" on Google this was one of the image results. The dude looks nothing like Ferris Bueller! I've been duped!

Many of you probably haven't heard of this new movie as it has flown under the radar for quite some time now (it's only playing in seven theaters in the United States and 45 in Papua New Guinea), but if you're lucky enough to live near a theater that is showing Ferris Bueller's Day Off then you're in for quite a treat! No film is more poignant, more sentimental, more piquant, more <insert synonym for the word "poignant" here> than this largely underrated, unappreciated nugget of a kernel of a morsel of a noun of another noun of a magical film experience! And you can take that to the bank! In fact, you should go to the bank anyway in order to withdraw all your savings in order to properly afford to see Ferris Bueller's Day Off enough times to really capture an appreciation for the higher art that is this film!

The movie stars Matthew Broderick, 49, who doesn't look a day older than 24, portraying 17-year-old Ferris Bueller as the titular character (Ferris Bueller). Supporting roles of Cameron Diaz Frye (played by some dude with a last name that has probably been mercilessly ridiculed by his peers since he was six years old) and Sloane Peterson (played by some hot chick who had sex with the son of the dude who created the Muppets in real life) really capture the essence of being a teenager in a rich-ass Chicago suburb. Cameron's dad owns a Ferrari! How sweet is that?

Unfortunately we only get to see the Ferrari for about roughly 75 minutes of the movie. The other 545 minutes are spent at various Chicago locales as the film centers around these three rapscallions (to put it nicely) playing hooky like Godless cretins! They spend the day doing things that normal teenagers hate doing, like eating at fancy French restaurants and going to art museums. And completely taking over a parade. And driving around in a Ferrari.

Edward Rooney, or "Principal Dickhead" as I like to call him (played by some dude who was once caught with child pornography and maybe went to jail for a few days), doesn't believe for one second that Ferris is actually at home sick. So his mission for the duration of the film is to stalk some 9-year-old girls at a playground. I mean, to find evidence that Ferris is playing hooky. I'm not going to give away any spoilers in this review (FERRIS GETS AWAY WITH IT), but let's just say that there's one hell of an M. Night Shamamlayanaghanaan twist at the end!

I feel this movie is right up there with "Justin Bieber: Never Say Never" as one of the greatest and most important movies of the year! You are doing yourself a great disservice if you...actually, on second thought, fuck Ferris Bueller's Day Off. The new Justin Bieber movie is society's answer to the question "Which movie should I see in 2011 that stars a seven-year old Canadian eunuch with a Diana Ross circa 1960 haircut?"

All right, don't see either movie. Whatever. You never listen to me anyway. You've never listened to me ONCE. I've poured all my energy into this damn relationship and I don't get SHIT back. And if you think we're still going to go bowling next Thursday then you've got another thing coming!

*cry*

Ferris Bueller's Day Off gets 4 Justin Bieber heads out of 5

Review: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1

If you know me at all then you probably know that I'm missing the part of the brain that enjoys new movies. The gluteus maximus, if you will. I'm missing other parts of my brain too, probably, especially the parts that allow me to finish writing sentences without forgetting to

This phenomenon is a fairly recent development. About five years ago there was nothing I liked more than to go see a new movie in the theaters. Nowadays I don't even care enough to even learn about new releases, let alone want to watch them. It's like I completely lost the attention span, but that part is probably obvious since I don't even have the attention span to complete any of my

Throughout all of 2010 I've been to the movies a grand total of three times, which I think might be even more than in 2009. I saw Inception, which I didn't find nearly as mind-blowing as everyone else. In fact, I was bored a couple of times. I saw Toy Story 3, which I did enjoy, but not nearly as much as I would have if I had seen it 10 years ago. And then, finally, I saw Harry Potter and the Colostomy Bag. I mean, Deathly Hallows. Part 1. And I enjoyed it, of course, since I'm a shameful Harry Potter nerd.

I'm pretty sure I only liked Toy Story 3 and the new 45th Harry Potter movie because both franchises were part of my childhood. I'm sure I would have loved Inception if it came out 15 years ago and made thirteen more movies up until this point (LIKE MAYBE ONE WHERE LEONARDO DICAPRIO DREAMS ABOUT DREAMING ABOUT HAVING A DREAM WHERE HE DREAMS ABOUT DREAMING).

Whoops, I was supposed to review Harry Potter and the Crystal Skull, not ramble on about how much I hate all movies! What nerve I have! Anyway, so the movie starts out with Voldemort with his cabinet, or something. I guess he's some sort of political figure now. His snake is hungry so he lets it eat a lady for dinner. FAST FORWARD TO 20 MINUTES LATER. Hermione drugs her parents. Harry clones himself a couple times so that the government doesn't spot him riding a broomstick 300 feet over London. This causes one of the Beasley twins to lose an ear. NOW THERE'S A WEDDING. OH SHIT, RUN, THERE IS BAD NEWS AT THE WEDDING. Oh man, this is the best part, this is the part where Harry, Hermione, and Ron go camping for 2 hours and 15 minutes of the movie. They do some sort of crazy shit, I think it's called "magic", and they pretend to be employees of the local government building for magicians. THEN SOME STUFF HAPPENS. There's probably some scenes with Snape here but they try to keep him out of the movie as much as possible since Alan Rickman got old and fat and it even looks like there's some wrinkles in the fat. RON IS PISSED BECAUSE HE'S NOT GETTING ANY ATTENTION. Harry and Hermione do a dance number that makes even the most stoic of movie-goers awkwardly slouch in their chairs and therefore unable to pull off the old dick-in-the-popcorn scheme at that moment. I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. Ok, yeah, they go to Pedophilius Lovegood's house just before the FBI busts through the door. Oh wait, no, actually they first get to watch a cartoon about the Elder Wang. I mean Wand! LOL! OK after they learn about the Elder Wand there's a sequence where I think Voldemort digs up the grave of an old man! THAT'S THE END. After that I dumped popcorn on the dude next to me and ran out of the theater giggling like a mad man.

Seacrest out.