If you know me at all then you probably know that I'm missing the part of the brain that enjoys new movies. The gluteus maximus, if you will. I'm missing other parts of my brain too, probably, especially the parts that allow me to finish writing sentences without forgetting to
This phenomenon is a fairly recent development. About five years ago there was nothing I liked more than to go see a new movie in the theaters. Nowadays I don't even care enough to even learn about new releases, let alone want to watch them. It's like I completely lost the attention span, but that part is probably obvious since I don't even have the attention span to complete any of my
Throughout all of 2010 I've been to the movies a grand total of three times, which I think might be even more than in 2009. I saw Inception, which I didn't find nearly as mind-blowing as everyone else. In fact, I was bored a couple of times. I saw Toy Story 3, which I did enjoy, but not nearly as much as I would have if I had seen it 10 years ago. And then, finally, I saw Harry Potter and the Colostomy Bag. I mean, Deathly Hallows. Part 1. And I enjoyed it, of course, since I'm a shameful Harry Potter nerd.
I'm pretty sure I only liked Toy Story 3 and the new 45th Harry Potter movie because both franchises were part of my childhood. I'm sure I would have loved Inception if it came out 15 years ago and made thirteen more movies up until this point (LIKE MAYBE ONE WHERE LEONARDO DICAPRIO DREAMS ABOUT DREAMING ABOUT HAVING A DREAM WHERE HE DREAMS ABOUT DREAMING).
Whoops, I was supposed to review Harry Potter and the Crystal Skull, not ramble on about how much I hate all movies! What nerve I have! Anyway, so the movie starts out with Voldemort with his cabinet, or something. I guess he's some sort of political figure now. His snake is hungry so he lets it eat a lady for dinner. FAST FORWARD TO 20 MINUTES LATER. Hermione drugs her parents. Harry clones himself a couple times so that the government doesn't spot him riding a broomstick 300 feet over London. This causes one of the Beasley twins to lose an ear. NOW THERE'S A WEDDING. OH SHIT, RUN, THERE IS BAD NEWS AT THE WEDDING. Oh man, this is the best part, this is the part where Harry, Hermione, and Ron go camping for 2 hours and 15 minutes of the movie. They do some sort of crazy shit, I think it's called "magic", and they pretend to be employees of the local government building for magicians. THEN SOME STUFF HAPPENS. There's probably some scenes with Snape here but they try to keep him out of the movie as much as possible since Alan Rickman got old and fat and it even looks like there's some wrinkles in the fat. RON IS PISSED BECAUSE HE'S NOT GETTING ANY ATTENTION. Harry and Hermione do a dance number that makes even the most stoic of movie-goers awkwardly slouch in their chairs and therefore unable to pull off the old dick-in-the-popcorn scheme at that moment. I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. Ok, yeah, they go to Pedophilius Lovegood's house just before the FBI busts through the door. Oh wait, no, actually they first get to watch a cartoon about the Elder Wang. I mean Wand! LOL! OK after they learn about the Elder Wand there's a sequence where I think Voldemort digs up the grave of an old man! THAT'S THE END. After that I dumped popcorn on the dude next to me and ran out of the theater giggling like a mad man.
Seacrest out.
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