If you're like me, then you enjoy running around and popping the balloons of random children at the zoo. Of course, this has nothing to do with the upcoming new year whatsoever. I mean, come on, why would you even bring up something like that? Are you some sort of damn psychopath?
Now let's get back on track here. If you're Christian then your Christmas trees are probably turning various shades of brown and the branches are currently buckling under the weight of the forty pounds of tinsel from the Wal-Mart bargain bin. If you're Jewish then your dreidels are probably starting to grow moss on the Gimel side. And if you're a Scientologist, like me, then all manner of Thetans are starting to slowly escape your body. Or enter your body. Or whatever the hell it is that Thetans do (unless you're a Level 12, in which case the Thetans have entered the larval stage and will soon start laying eggs). This all means that the end of the year has finally come upon us and that we get to look forward to a brand new year of fresh beginnings, lazily thought-out New Year's resolutions, angry fist-shaking at snowstorms, complaining about taxes, listening to new shitty Top 40 hits, getting sunburns, dropping acid, and punching circus clowns. All in that order. Of course, nobody really knows what a new year will bring, but I have some predictions. You may want to mark your calendars, I'm pretty good at foreseeing this kind of stuff. Did you know that I totally had a dream about the BP oil spill at this time last year? Well, ok, replace "the BP oil spill" with "my cellphone biting my face off" and you're probably a bit closer to the truth.
President Obama will accidentally murder a person
Now don't get me wrong, Obama's is a cool guy. I really liked him in Rush Hour (he looked JUST LIKE Jackie Chan in that movie!). Note that I said "accidentally", of course. President Obama is like the nicest guy in the world so he would never actually purposefully murder someone. Maybe. Probably. I mean, I guess if Biden accidentally taped over SportsCenter it would be a more likely scenario.
Gerard Butler will star in another new movie where he screams a lot
Following the great success of his Michigan State University Midnight Madness appearance, and to a much lesser extent his movie 300, Gerard Butler stars in another movie where he proclaims at the top of his lungs to a second party the city-state that they are both currently in, and will then kick him into some sort of hole in the ground.
It's 2011, and in this day and age we as a society expect things faster and smaller (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA FUCK). By now I'm sure everyone has acquired an extensive collection of Kindles but nobody has any room on their bookshelves anymore for all their damn Kindles. It's insanity! That's why the newest version of the Kindle will be invented as an extremely convenient and burden-reducing solution! It's a new way to store all your bothersome Kindles! Basically, it's a used $2.50 cardboard box with the words "Kindle 2011" written on the side in Sharpie. Millions will buy it because it says "Kindle" on it.
NASA will discover life on Europa, general public will yawn
GUYS, SERIOUSLY, WE SENT SOME FUCKIN' ROVERS WITH BIG FUCKIN' DRILLS OVER TO EUROPA AND WE DISCOVERED SOME WEIRD-ASS BACTERIA, IT WAS SO AWESOME YOU GUYS, AND THEN WE BROUGHT IT BACK FOR OBSERVATIONS AND NOW LIKE HALF OUR STAFF HAS DROPPED DEAD AND WE NEED TO DECLARE A NATIONAL EMERGENCY BUT THE PRESIDENT IS TOO BUSY ACCIDENTALLY MURDERING SOMEONE, OH GOD HELP ACK AAAACCCKKKK AHAPBRAB GUUHHHHH PHTLBTLTMTHTBB -- audience then turns off the NASA channel because it's boring.
The apocalypse will be a year early
As you all know, Y2K came and went without even so much as a tease of a total collapse of infrastructure! What a rip off! And we all have relatives, perhaps some crazy uncles, who still have unused bomb shelters in their backyards packed with water and canned food that will expire long after the can itself has already disintegrated. Fortunately, though, they will no longer go to waste! According to scientists whose last names have 30 consonants in a row from countries whose names have 30 consonants in a row, it is possible that the Mayans were off by a year and that the real end of the universe will happen some time in 2011! Hooray!
I will write something that's actually funny
Not a goddamn chance.
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