Guide: How To Cope With Your New Zodiac Sign

By now you've probably heard the news that everything you thought you knew about the Zodiac has been turned upside-down, inside-out, beaten with a sledgehammer, and maybe even a little bit molested. Just a little bit. Also, by now, you've probably already expressed your distaste with the change by throwing a petulant conniption fit on Facebook about it (you know who you are). GEMINIS ARE NOW TAURUSES!! VIRGOS ARE NOW LEOS!! LIBRATARIANS ARE NOW REPUBLICORNS!! THE WORLD IS ENDING IN 2012!! BIRDS ARE DROPPING OUT OF THE SKY!! PANIC, PANIC!!

First of all, a little scientific background is necessary to know why this is all happening to you, the frightened reader. You see, for six days God created everything you see around you. Then on the seventh day God was all "I'm all tired an' shit, none of y'all better fuck with me cuz I TiVoed the Mavericks vs. Spurs game and some serious shit will go down if I hear one motherfuckin' peep out of any of you." Of course, one of the damn snakes slithered into one of God's unguarded electrical sockets, so God got all pissed and because of that day he decided that on January 13, 2011 everyone's Zodiac sign will change. True Story. It's in Exodus.

Of course, if you believe in astrology then you are an idiot. Luckily, I've attended to your needs! I've whipped up a handy FAQ, if you will, all about how to cope with this completely unprecedented change in your sad, sorry little life!

Question 1: What the hell is an "Ophiuchus"?

Yes, that's right, the new Zodiac layout features a new sign crashing the party. I forget the exact dates, but if you were born somewhere between February 11 and December 26 then, congratulations, you are now an Ophiuchus! Loosely translated from Greek, the name means "man grasping his snake". And no, I'm not joking about that one.

Question 2: Will my horoscopes change?

Unfortunately, yes. In fact, everything about your personality must change now in order to comply with the rigid laws of the alignment of the planets or whatever the hell astrology actually is. If you were once a meek, shy Cancer, then now you must become an angry, drunk, belligerent Pisces. If you and your boyfriend/girlfriend were once a compatible Scorpio/Taurus pair, then now you have to violently break up since a Libra/Aries pair is completely out of the question. Oh god, what the hell were you thinking?! STOP ANGERING THE ASTROLOGY GODS.

As for your daily shitty college newspaper horoscope section, expect "Ophiuchus" to be spelled incorrectly for the first couple of weeks. Other than that not much else will be different. "Leo" will probably be spelled wrong too.

Question 3: What the hell is an "Ophiuchus"?

Pay attention, asshole. Next question.

Question 4: Will the Zodiac constellations look different?

What? No. What kind of question is this? The stars will stay the same. What's the matter with you?

Question 5: I am out of questions.

Good. There's nothing more to talk about. The Zodiac is different now, I guess. You can blame the snake in the electrical socket for screwing up this wonderful Garden of Eden we had going here for so long.

I have no real ending for this entry so here's a picture of man wearing a hamburger costume.