It's a special moment in my life, my friends. This week I finally applied for graduation, yes, a feat that I should have realistically accomplished at about six other points in the last couple years. But who could blame me? I decided that my student loan debt wasn't massive enough, so on top of majoring in Slurpee Machine Repair I felt it prudent to add Burger King Franchise Management as a second major, you know, to make my résumé REALLY pop.
*PAUSE AS THE TEN MINUTES OF UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER DIES DOWN*
So what the hell am I supposed to do now? All I know how to do is sit in class, not take notes, stare into space, awkwardly stumble through homework, pass tests by the skin of my teeth, and barely show up for the final. That formula is tried and true, and I don't want no punk-ass bitch to be messin' with that formula (the "punk-ass bitch" in question being "employment", or quite possibly "the man or woman who sells me my cap and gown"). The only real job I've ever had was working in a grocery store deli, and even then I'd be lucky to make it to the end of the day with all my limbs intact or without accidentally setting something very expensive on fire.
So, essentially, everything I know about what an engineer does I've learned from Office Space, which is that an engineer accidentally embezzles large amounts of money over a short period of time instead of the other way around. Everything I know about what an astrophysicist does I've learned from common sense, which is that an astrophysicist sleeps during the day and stares into the sky at night...instead of the other way around. So, this sounds perfect right? An immaculate combination of my two loves, getting money for free and being lazy, all for the low, low price of $560,000 worth of tuition!
*PAUSE AS THE THE TEN MINUTES OF UPROARIOUS SNORING DIES DOWN*
Of course, I'm not too worried about paying back student loans. I figure I can pay them back in ten years easily, and I wouldn't have to make too many sacrifices. All I need to do is find a nice, yet not overly lavish, rent-controlled cardboard box. It would have to be a cardboard box from a well-respected GE appliance, none of that bush-league Whirlpool shit. And for food, no problem...as long as I get a cardboard box big enough that I can both live in it and eat pieces out of it. Corrugated board has plenty of fiber. Problem solved.
But wait! This kind of luxury cannot be accomplished without first getting a job! Unfortunately, I have zero real-life work-related experience unless you count "looking through a telescope from the wrong end". This means that I have to rely on what I learned from going to class in order to have the UPPER HAND over the throngs of jerks who are trying to steal my coveted job position. Let's see, what have I learned during my 37 semesters in school?...ok, well, as far as engineering goes my crowning achievement was my independent research 30-minute Powerpoint presentation on how to make functioning satellites, wherein I spelled "satellite" correctly 70% of the time and I made it through the whole ordeal without mashing my hands all over the keyboard in a panic and throwing up on the first two rows of my fellow students. As for astrophysics...uh, I was able to correctly identify the moon. That's about 40% of all you need to know about space anyway, really.
So after I've landed a job I can finally put to use the two subjects I've been achingly studying hours upon hours for in the last several years!
Boss: Tom, we're going to need you to use your engineering prowess to make some satellites. You can make them out of tin cans, for all I goddamn well care, since Russia's catching up to us and we need to leave them in our dust!
Tom: Yes, sir!
Boss: And then you can use your astrophysics prowess to launch that shit into space. Anywhere in space will do, we don't care. As long as it stays in space for a while without crashing back down on us. The Earth don't count as no space, son!
Tom: Will do, sir!
Boss: Excellent. Construction paper and Elmer's glue is in the closet. Elbow macaroni and glitter is an extravagance, kiddo, and it's going to have to come out of your paycheck if you want to use it!
Tom: Oh god, my life.
Yep, life after college is gonna be awesome.
No comments:
Post a Comment