Recently, and by "recently" I mean "maybe four months ago", and by "maybe four months ago" I mean "I don't remember", I took one of those quizzes on Facebook that asks you about 50 asinine questions and then determines what you are. For example, it turns out that from the Harry Potter series I'm Seamus Finnegan. And from the Myers-Briggs personality test I'm an ISTJ. And from the movie Inglourious Basterds I'm Adolf Hitler. Who knew? Anyway, the quiz in question was "How Autistic Are You" where a score of around 20 was normal and a score of around 27-30 was autistic. I scored a 33.
Scoring so high on the quiz made me so mad that I wanted to start counting all the pixels on my computer screen to make sure they were all accounted for! It made me want to stay inside and avoid social contact! It made me want to repeatedly bang my hand against my head, go to Vegas, count some cards, and hang out with Tom Cruise! Yeesh, never mind that last part. It would take a heavier mental disorder than autism to want to hang out with Tom Cruise.
So why am I bringing this up now? Because apparently the whole claim that vaccinations are linked to autism in children turned out to be a hoax. At least I think that's what this article says. I didn't read the whole thing because I got bored.
Seeing the article, though, reminded me of the weird score I got on the autism test way back when. But after thinking about it for a while, it sure does explain a lot. Allow me to go over some of the characteristics of autism and reason out why they all describe me in spades.
Avoiding eye-contact
This one, of course, stems from my intense belief that the eyes are the windows to the soul, and consequently the soul can be stolen by other people through direct eye-contact. Since I never took a class on Soul Thievery (I had to drop it to make room for Design and Failure Analysis), I am ill-equipped to defend myself against such black magic. As it turns out I don't even know what eyeballs look like! Chalk one up for autism!
May not be able to initiate or engage in conversation
I thought at first that this meant an autistic person has no vocal chords, but quite the contrary! It means that they don't know how to talk to people in a socially acceptable fashion. I'll post a couple of my recent conversations with people, and you be the judge:
Kyle: Hey, sir, I'm up for the weekend, want to hang out?
Tom: NO.
Kyle: But a few other people will be here and we'll watch movies and eat food and stuff.
Tom: WHAT KIND OF FOOD?
Kyle: 10 pounds of honey barbecue wings.
Tom: MAKE IT 9 SINCE IT'S A PERFECT SQUARE.
Kyle: What's the matter with you?
Tom: 1! 4! 9! 16! 25! 36! 49! 64! ...
Eric: Hey, did you start the physics homework yet?
Tom: FUCK YOU.
Eric: Fuck you too!
Tom: FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU.
Eric: Fuck you, you fucking dick!
Tom: FUCK FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK
Eric: You're a dick! Fuck you!
Tom: FUCK
Random Stranger on the Sidewalk: Excuse me, do you know where Conrad Hall is?
Tom: *punches the guy in the face*
Personally, I think the jury is still out on this matter.
May be resistant to change
Oh, good God, this one is absolutely true. I'm the guy that hates it when a company changes their logo. I'm the guy that got upset when Google started using Google Instant, which, by the way, I immediately turned off. I'm the guy who abhors technology and longs for a simpler time when cell phones were the size of small automobiles, and small automobiles were the size of larger automobiles. Once I threw a fit in a supermarket because Tony the Tiger was facing to the left on a box of Frosted Flakes instead of to the right. This was last Friday.
May flap their hands, or make odd hand and body gestures
Who hasn't seen me do this?
I could go down the entire list and find that I can relate to each and every characteristic. It's time to face the facts: I have autism. And it might be contagious, so watch out.
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