The following is an excerpt from a journal recovered by archaeologists who were looking for Tyrannosaurus bones in the area between Wells Hall and the International Center. The journal was recovered on February 3, 2011. The excerpt dates all the way back to February 2, 2011, when life on Earth was never the same again. The journal belonged to one Tom "Buff McMuscles" Santizzle, according to the signature written at the top of the first page of the journal. Who he was will remain a mystery for years to come, especially since a cursory Facebook search turns up nothing. Nothing has been abridged, except for some of the more boring stuff. And trust me, there was a whole hell of a lot of boring stuff. The guy couldn't write for shit.
-----February 2, 2011-----
9:34 am: Oh hey, that rash finally cleared up. In other news, the Great Blizzard of 2011 has finally hit. I can't wait to tell my future nerdy children and delinquent grandchildren all about how I survived the amazing...uh...8 inches of frightening snow we received over the course of the night. Classes have been canceled! Buses aren't running today! There's a snowball fight going on at Munn Field later today. It starts at 6:30, but I better head out now if I want to make it. 9 hours might not be enough time to walk half a mile. There's a lot of scary snow out there!
9:57 am: Oh my God! Oh son of a biscuit! I have fallen victim to an avalanche between Wells Hall and the International Center. I was chasing a dumb squirrel because he stole MY acorn that I was saving for later. MINE. And then all of a sudden a friggin' 10 tons of snow comes crashing down on me. And there's not even a hill or mountain in sight! Talk about shitty luck. I was able to wrestle my way out, but now my leg is trapped under a huge rock and I'm stuck.
9:59 am: Hunger is starting to overtake me. I've been stuck for almost three minutes now. All I have in my possession is a Swiss army knife and a Game Boy Pocket with a Pokemon Blue cartridge. That's some old school shit right there, son! Looks like I'm going to have to catch my lunch since that bitch squirrel stole my acorn.
10:30 am: I wasn't able to catch any food so I've been eating clods of dirt and pieces of my own North Face jacket in order to satisfy my ever-growing hunger. I'm starting to fear that I might die out here alone in the wilderness if I don't find a way to escape.
10:46 am: People keep laughing at me as they walk by. IT'S NOT FUNNY. IT'S NOT FUNNY AT ALL, YOU CRETINS. NNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
<strong>11:17 am</strong>: There's no end to the blizzard in sight. I'm now covered in an additional quarter-inch of snow. I'd be eating the snow for nourishment but all the squirrels keep <em>peeing</em> all over it. This is not my day.
4:31 pm: ....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZ- *snork* *choke* *cough* hmm? Wha-...? Oh, I must have fallen asleep. I can tell because the last eight pages of my journal is just a bunch of z's written out over and over again. Man, am I cold. This is like that one movie about the guy who was trapped in an avalanche that was based on a true story. Except this is real. The sun is starting to go down. I need to get out of here before the chill of the night sets in.
5:42 pm: Getting...weak.....hard...to...write.......without.......ellipses.....
6:09 pm: Coughing up blood. Hurts to breathe. Rash coming back.
7:12 pm: Aw hell yeah, I caught a Jigglypuff, son! Fuckin' A.
8:55 pm: Too...weak......too........weak....blahg....balghabf.......ahghhagabahghaavava.....
9:13 pm: Oh wait, the rock on my leg isn't even that heavy. Oh wait, it's not even a rock, it's my winter hat. Whoops. Oh well, time to blow this popsicle stand and never look back!
9:18 pm: On second thought, I've grown quite accustomed to this little area that has been my home for the last 12 hours or so. I think I'll build a nice little abode here and live off the land for many years to come.
-----February 3, 2011-----
10:03 am: OH SHIT, ARCHAEOLOGISTS ARE COMING. BETTER GET OUT OF HERE.
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