Guide: Preparing For the Rapture!

The end of the world has finally come! According to very credible sources that have been painstakingly written in blue crayon on Arby's napkins by emotionally disturbed children, May 21, 2011, this Saturday, approximately five minutes before Justin Timberlake's opening monologue on Saturday Night Live, a lot of frightening stuff is supposed to happen. Fire, death, destruction, blimp attacks, darkness, frogs, locusts, envelopes filled with anthrax, clouds with scary faces in them, exploding homeless people, etc. When I had first learned about the Rapture I was scared witless, but I first learned about the Rapture from the dude who holds signs outside of Mattress King that usually says things like "GOD WILL KILL YOU" or "SINNERS DON'T GET INTO HEAVEN" or "GOD WILL KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T GET INTO HEAVEN". Much of the actual scare I got from this guy probably came from the giant rash on his face or the half-dozen or so jars of urine sitting next to him. He was yelling a lot of stuff about End of Times and how everyone should repent before the earth explodes or implodes or whatever it is that the earth does during an event like Rapture. You all can be skeptical if you want, but if you want my opinion the Rapture is as real as the story I just told about the urine jar guy, which is totally not at all made up so shut your heathen mouth.

If you're a sinner then I suggest you read on and learn how you can prepare for this cataclysmic event so you can get into Heaven like preteens getting into an R-rated movie. Also, throughout I'll post whatever comes up when I do a Google Image Search on "Rapture".

PUT A BIBLE IN A SPOT WHERE GOD WILL SEE IT
God loves bibles, and he doesn't have time to prod and poke around your house like Pervert Santa in order to make sure that you are in possession of one. Put it in a conspicuous spot like on a coffee table, or on a bedside dresser, or stapled to your face. If you don't own a bible then don't fret! You can steal them from every hotel room in the country, or download a PDF from one of those shifty websites with the popups of the sultry nuns grabbing each other's boobs. Make sure the bible says "HOLY BIBLE" on the front, and not "NAZI BIBLE" or "THE OFFICIAL M*A*S*H FAN BIBLE". A copy of "Bible Camp" on DVD does not work as a substitute for the bible, so don't even try it.

DO NOT SPEND UP ALL OF YOUR LIFE SAVINGS
For those of you who are itching to indulge yourself in these last moments by spending your life savings, whether it be millions of dollars spread among several savings accounts or $4 in Chuck E. Cheese tokens stashed under your filthy mattress, do yourself a favor and HANG ON TO IT. If you've ever read the bible then you'll know that everything in your possession at the time of your death transfers over to Heaven with you. This includes money, property, mistresses, iTunes gift cards, Facebook notifications, and YouTube favorites lists. The stores in Heaven sell everything at a 95% discount, so it's beneficial to just hold on to your stuff before the Rapture. Everything you own gets put in a Heaven storage room with your name on it, and the storage rooms are down a long hallway arranged in alphabetical order. So if your name happens to be "Zoë Z. Zyler", then you'll have to walk roughly 900 trillion miles to get to your storage room. Any vehicles you attempt to bring to make the journey easier will be automatically put in storage instead, along with shoes, clothing, food, water, and bandages. Keep in mind that nudity is not tolerated in Heaven, so watch out for the storage facility's sentry drones.

STUDY SOME MAPS, LEARN WHERE HEAVEN IS LOCATED
It is a known scientific fact that when you die your soul leaves your body perpendicular to the ground you died on and travels roughly 55 miles per hour (the soul carpool lane gets to go 70 mph). Now think about this: on a round world, the Rapture is going to cause billions of souls to start flying outward from every point on the earth. This means a lot of souls are going to be ascending vertically in a completely wrong direction, perhaps crashing into shit like the sun, or space debris, or the Death Star. God's not going to waste his precious time rounding up souls all flying willy-nilly through space, so take some initiative and MapQuest some goddamn directions to Heaven. If it turns out that the path to Heaven starts in a McDonald's in Nadzab, Papua New Guinea, then you better push all the fuckers you can out of the way to get yourself over there! You don't want to be some poor bored schmuck flying uninterrupted and lonely through the Oort Cloud while all your friends are making their way naked through the hallway of the Heaven storage facility, do you?

I'd better wrap this up. Follow these easy tips and you'll be on the gravy train to Heaven in no time, a place where you get to do anything you want! Such as look around at Heaven, or talk about Heaven, or sit there and think about Heaven. Not much else is allowed up there, I'm told.