Welcome to another edition of Sucky Comics Sunday. You may have noticed that I failed to ridicule some sucky comics last weekend, which is weird because that means you're actually thinking about this blog when I don't rudely advertise it on Facebook. You might have thought "hahaha, that lazy jerk gave up after two weeks". Please, people. I am a professional. I had a friend over last Sunday and it resulted in a day of non-computer-related activities and merriment. Said activities included an 8pm walk to Target. Some pineapple-flavored Crush was purchased. Don't try to hide your jealousy.
But now I'm back in full swing with a special Father's Day edition of Sucky Comics Sunday. That's right, Dilbert, this ain't Pointy-Haired Boss's Day. Step aside.
Arlo and Janis has the distinction of being one of the only currently-running comic strips without ever, and I mean EVER, having a discernible punchline. This is a feat that cartoonist Jimmy Johnson has apparently been proud of for 27 years now, as there are no signs of him adding punchlines to Arlo and Janis in the future.
I also get the impression that the reader requires a working knowledge of the entire history of Arlo and Janis to understand what the hell is going on in any given strip. Arlo and Janis don't look very old, so I'm assuming their son Gene is, what, a teenager? So is he wishing his dad a Happy Father's Day by calling from his fucking bedroom? And if he's a teenager then why is he getting a Father's Day card? Who is Meg? Does Gene have some illegitimate children running around? Illegitimate children that his parents know about as well? Why are they so proud that his son is receiving Father's Day cards from his illegitimate bastard children? Perhaps there's something creepier going on here. I don't like the sound of "Daddy Gene", I don't like it at all. Arlo and Janis offends me in ways I continue to not understand.
Anyway, did you laugh at the last panel? Exactly. Let's move on.
It was surprisingly hard to find Father's Day-themed comics today. Foxtrot didn't give a shit. Jump Start didn't give a shit. Rest assured, though! Herb and Jamaal gives a shit! Every Herb and Jamaal I've ever read had no kids in it, though, so I like to think that kids were suddenly shoehorned awkwardly into a Father's Day plot for today and today only. That would certainly be funnier.
So what does this comic teach us? That you should avoid letting your kids do nice things for you. Herb, you are an ungrateful asshole. You have a mustache growing out of your nostrils and you are an asshole. Also, if you're such a great cook yourself where did your kids get the idea for something like "banana biscuits with meat gravy"? That sounds like something they'd eat in Beetle Bailey. Also, what's Jamaal's side of the story here? IS NO ONE THINKING OF JAMAAL? Does Jamaal get shafted on Father's Day? There are literally BILLIONS of angry Herb and Jamaal fans today. Who is going to rectify this for them? Ugh.
JUST HAD A THOUGHT. Jamaal is still sleeping upstairs in Herb and Jamaal's cozy canopy bed and Herb is on his way to bring him breakfast in bed. How friggin' adorable is that, my friends.
"Our son is a teenager" is literally the punchline to every Zits strip. Let's just get that out of the way right now.
So Zits started its run in 1997, back when the coolest of cool teenagers were dancing to the Macarena and, uh, going to the movies and seeing Titanic four times per weekend. Was flannel still cool in 1997? I don't think so, but cartoonists Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman probably haven't been teenagers themselves since the Truman administration so who can really trust them to keep up with the times anyway. Jeremy has been wearing flannel for the last 15 years as a 16-year-old, and just the other day I think I saw some weirdos in flannel so maybe it's cool again. I'm out of touch with teenagers too, for the record, just as I was between the ages of 13 and 19.
Congratulations, Jeremy! This is your 15th summer in a row getting your first summer job. We're all very proud of you.
I know what you're thinking. "Hey Tom, this is your third time doing this and already you're making fun of Blondie again? Have you run out of ideas already?? Wah wah whahwahwhah whahwmemamewahwahwhahwahhwhhwhahh whaahhh waaaaaaaaaa." Yes I am writing about Blondie again. It needs to be done. This is quite literally the worst Blondie in the history of Blondies. This is the worst anything in the history of anything. Genocide, global warming, famine, war, racism, Justin Bieber, torture, oh wait no, no, the Blondie strip from 6-17-2012 oh yeah that's it that's the one that's the worst thing ever. No contest. I'm glad we could reach an agreement.
This particular strip is so goddamned dumb that I'm having trouble figuring out the right words to properly articulate my frustration at how truly dumb this goddamn dumb strip is.
"Happy Father's Day, dear ol' Dad, we got you the stupidest painting in the fucking world! Four insufferable television chefs playing cards!"
"OHH! THANK YOU!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!! YESSS!"
After a hearty high-five, the son advises him to try it out. He advises him to TRY IT OUT.
"Why don't you go try it out?"
TRY IT OUT. IT'S A PAINTING.
"Sure son! I'll get in the bathtub and try it out!"
DAGWOOD HANGS THE PAINTING ON THE BATHROOM WALL, GETS INTO A TUB AND "TRIES IT OUT".
I don't think I have anything more to fucking say.
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