If the Bible has taught me anything, it's that Jesus was born so that we can all drink egg nog and fight with our relatives every year. The whole thing about chopping down pine trees so that we can create a fire hazard in our living rooms, that part's in the Bible too (it's somewhere near the back). The Bible also says that shopping malls should put up their Christmas decorations before taking down their "Labor Day Sale" signs (Leviticus 12:2).
The Bible, if you can believe it, says NOTHING of Christmas-related television entertainment of any kind! A glaring omission, if you ask me. You would think Luke or John would've been all over that before the Bibles went out to the public, but Luke and John are slackers and they're not getting Christmas bonuses this year.
So is it a sin to watch Christmas specials? Well, you'll definitely go to hell without question for watching the Kung Fu Panda Holiday Special, but the rest of them are probably fair game. Let us relive the memories of a few of the more famous Christmas classics, shall we? ...well we're going to anyway, asshole, so quit whining.
By the way, right now I'm listening to my suitemate launch snot rockets in the bathroom. This has nothing to do with Christmas, but I thought I'd share the pain that I have to endure 45 times a day.
How The Grinch Stole Christmas
This is the television adaptation of one of the most heart-warming and famous stories written by Ernest Hemingway and Dr. Seuss. What, you didn't know that? Yeah, Hemingway and Seuss collaborated on the Grinch book, but after a strange agreement and a very violent chess game Seuss won the right to receive full credit for the work. Hemingway shot himself later that evening out of shame and embarrassment.
Anyway, the Grinch is a cranky old green son of a bitch who is angry at a town full of Whos because they love Christmas. He's also jealous of the weird antennae sticking out the Whos' heads. He also hates the fact that he has to trek up and down a damn mountain every time he needs to buy groceries. So, his solution to the pseudo-problems that have been fabricated from his Borderline personality disorder-addled brain is to burglarize an entire town of creepy little Whos.
But don't worry! The Grinch has a sudden change of plans in what can only be described as a cop-out ending. The stress of being a jerk causes his heart to enlarge ("cardiomegaly", I believe is the correct term) and it explodes! ...or maybe he gives all the stuff he stole back. It's been a while since I last saw it.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
It seems like if your name is "Rudolph" or "Rudy" nobody likes you. You don't get to play any reindeer games, or play Notre Dame football, or run for mayor a third time (Fact: New York has those laws in place because they hate Giuliani). I don't like the Rudolph special at all. I think the stop motion animation bored me to death as a kid. All I remember about it is that Herbie the elf-dentist sounds like Andy Rooney from 60 Minutes. Next.
Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!
Charlie Brown has crippling depression and it exasperates everyone around him. In the Peanuts universe children are allowed to run amok in a world where adults don't exist. It's no wonder that Charlie Brown is depressed since the only licensed psychologist in town is Lucy, the bitch that keeps pulling the football away and causing ol' Charlie to hit the bottle before bed every night.
Charlie Brown is concerned because the true meaning of Christmas has been pushed to the wayside, which prompts a speech by Linus that seemingly lasts seven hours when you're watching it as an eight-year-old. Seriously, we had the special taped when I was a kid (YORK PEPPERMINT PATTY COMMERCIALS FROM THE LATE '80s, HELL YES) and every time Linus said "Lights, please" I would hit the fast forward button like my life depended on it.
The moral of the story is that nobody cares if you're depressed during Christmas because it's Christmas damnit, suck it up! I'm not kidding, Charles Schulz actually said that in an interview, word for word. Then he took a swig from a flask and punched a reporter in the face. None of this actually happened. But it did.
Frosty the Snowman
I don't know about you, but if I put a hat on the snowman I just made and it sprang to life I would be scared shitless and start running for the hills. Especially if that snowman made me walk out into traffic. Especially if that snowman kidnapped me and made me get on a train with him to see Santa Claus. There's a lot of sinister shit going on in this cartoon, I'd rather not think about it anymore.
Urkel Saves Christmas. And Santa. And the World
Man, I wish. This Christmas special would rule so hard, and it wouldn't contain any green jerks or frightening snowmen. It would just be one full hour of Steve Urkel. If anyone can point us back in the direction of the true meaning of Christmas it would be Urkel. I'm getting teary-eyed just thinking about what could have been...
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