Oh shit, put down that cellphone/video game controller/Playboy magazine/sandwich/bong/chess piece/wrench/hand grenade, Finals Week is right around the corner again! No doubt most of you have seventeen final exams spanning five days, including several time overlaps and locations such as Wells Hall or Papua New Guinea. I bet a lot of the finals are going to be cumulative too, so Engineering majors break out those rulers and protractors! Physics majors, get some fresh calculator batteries! Music majors, memorize those minor scales! Packaging majors, learn how to spell your names this time! Seriously guys, there's a whole stack of unclaimed midterms with names such as "Jonnathan Smiht" and "Prxglb Jka4" and "October 5th, 2010" on them.
So if you accidentally stumbled on this page because you clicked a link on some weird kid's Facebook profile, well you're in luck! I have survived about 73 college finals weeks (and perished during at least 4 others), so I'm here to give you some helpful tips on how to get through with most of your limbs intact!*
*not a guarantee
Tip #1: Get plenty of rest
A paramount tip indeed! It's not easy slogging through a test on Euclidian biological Austro-Hungarian scalene triangle medulla oblongata macroeconomics, and especially when you haven't gotten any sleep. No matter how much studying you still think you need to do, a quick nap will do wonders for your...uh, ability to...um...to, uh...shit, I'm too tired for this.
Tip #2: Break up your studying into small chunks
A cardinal tip indeed! Going over 600 pages of Ecuadorian history may seem like a daunting task, but if you set small goals as you progress the session will seem more manageable! For example, you can devote one hour at a time to a specific decade (when it comes to Ecuadorian history the 1870s are some pretty pimpin' years).
Tip #3: Consume a lot of coffee. Or energy drinks. Or cocaine.
A superior tip indeed! Caffeine and/or psychoactive drugs are just what the doctor ordered when it comes to hours upon hours of binge studying. In fact, the more you take at once the more you learn! Screw Ecuadorian history, you could learn the history of every damn country on the globe (all 75,000 of them) in an evening if you snorted your weight in crushed up coffee beans. True story: I didn't even know how to speak English three days ago. Now I do, thanks to massive amounts of delicious candy-coated stimulants! Except I don't think my pancreas works anymore. People have two of those, right?
Tip #4: Lather, Rinse, and Repeat
Whoops, this tip is for something entirely different altogether.
Tip #5: Don't procrastinate, dumbass
Oh man, I can't even tell you the amount of times I've waited too long to start studying for a test. Often I start studying 20 minutes into the test! Of course then Professor Dipshit takes my exam and crumples it up right in front of my face. Damnit! I spend hard-earned money to sit in on his boring lectures and practice playing the knife-between-the-fingers game at my desk over and over again until I can do it faster than the one-eyed hobo behind the alley. What was I talking about again?
Tip #6: Lather, Rinse, and Repeat
Oh wait...damnit I did it again.
Tip #7: Don't eat your laptop
Well, that about wraps it up! Follow my advice and you too will be able to play Pokemon Emerald like the best of them! Or whatever the hell it was I was talking about.
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