My Job Application Cover Letter Looks Fine To Me, What's the Problem?

To the infallible and possibly sexually attractive hiring manager of Super Engineering Bros. Incorporated,

Sup homie? I spent the afternoon yesterday tearing Lost Dog posters off of telephone poles when I came across a flyer advertising an open position at your company. At first I was all "fuck that" but then I eventually became all "whatever". The only copy of my resume that I had available has a bunch of Arby's sauce stains and Homer Simpson doodles all over the back, so please overlook this if it may cause unfavorable judgment of my professionalism and work ethic. Don't be a tool.

So according to your posting it appears you need someone with a college degree. GOT ONE, HAHAHA, YOU CAN'T GET RID OF ME THAT EASILY. I've got a degree in TV/VCR Repair from one of those "earn your degree from home" commercials. I got it over the phone in 20 minutes when I accidentally dialed the wrong number. I wanted pizza.

Photographic PROOF of my certification from Graduation University. BOO-YAH.

So now that we got that out of the way we can move on to the really IMPORTANT shit. I got me a lot of engineering background so don't even TRY to pull that one on me. Here's a genius engineering idea freebie for you: Streaming Netflix to your contact lenses! That's engineering, right? I've got a million more like that. I had the idea for see-through Capri-Sun pouches before Kool-Aid did it! OK, all this bragging is making me hungry, I'm gonna go engineer me some dinner.

Gallagher was the greatest food engineer of our time

All right, I'm back! What other accomplishments should you know about? Well, sometimes I'm tempted to use my sexiness as a weapon, but I eventually learned that with great power comes great responsibility. I guess you could say that I'm the Spider-Man of sexiness. I once used that sexiness to win Miss North Dakota in 2009. I don't even live in North Dakota! That's how easy it is!

I run a famous blog on the internet that's viewed by up to seven people per day, two of them being my parents. My blog has been translated into over 200 languages! This was accomplished by using Google Translator on a day when I was really, really bored.

I can pat my head and rub my stomach simultaneously. Only on a good day.

I see you require a creative individual with a great imagination. Allow me to pull something relevant from my portfolio then, my good man. BAM! I drew this during class once using my creativity and imagination when I should have been paying attention to the lecture (the lecture was about how to write a job application cover letter).

So, in conclusion, I think I would be a perfect candidate for the job because I live right next door to your facility anyway and I'm close enough to try to throw rocks through your windows for fun. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Your Next Employee (or else)