The 84th Annual Academy Awards Drinking Game

So people liked last year's Oscars drinking game. Good! That means I can be lazy with my ideas and rehash it! This year I present to you a fresh new game for you to partake in while you're completely bored and wish you were watching something more interesting. Here's a link to last year's drinking game if you haven't read it yet. You should. But this one's funnier. Maybe. Let the games begin!

Take a sip if...
...Billy Crystal spends about 15 seconds fumbling with an envelope and starts crying when he can't get it open.
...someone from the audience yells "WHO GIVES A SHIT?" during the "Best Sound Mixing" category.
...during his acceptance speech, Scott Rudin (producer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close) stands incredibly close the microphone and, as a result, is extremely loud.
...War Horse gets disqualified from the "Best Picture About War Whores" category due to a misunderstanding.
...Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids) is dragged off kicking and screaming after the sixth minute of her acceptance speech.
...Viola Davis (The Help) brings out a phone book and starts thanking everybody in it alphabetically during an acceptance speech.

Take three sips if...
...the camera cuts to a shot of Jack Nicholson and even his sunglasses are wearing sunglasses.
...Woody Allen (director, Midnight in Paris) gets married to a 12-year-old during an acceptance speech.
...The Help wins "Best Portrayal of Racism Solved By White People".
...someone from the audience yells out "Monsters Inc. sucked!" and Billy Crystal starts crying.
...Nick Nolte (Warrior) starts nervously chewing on the microphone and making orgasmic noises during an acceptance speech.
...Jonah Hill (Moneyball) brings a puppet that looks exactly like him on stage and uses it to tell incredibly homophobic jokes.
...Billy Crystal challenges the audience to a staring contest.


Finish your drink if...
...the camera that focuses on Jack Nicholson malfunctions and aims at his crotch for the rest of the night.
...a dragon with a girl tattoo accepts an award for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
...Midnight in Paris wins "Best Casting of Taiwanese Slave Children".
...the camera cuts to a shot of Martin Scorsese (director and producer, Hugo) and he's wearing an I'm With Stupid t-shirt and an "I don't give a FUCK" expression on his face.
...George Clooney (The Descendants) thinks he's winning an award for Ocean's Eleven and starts talking about a make-out scene with Brad Pitt that never happened.
...Gary Oldman (Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy) starts whipping Billy Crystal with an Oscar.
...during an acceptance speech Christopher Plummer (Beginners) leaps out into the audience expecting a mosh pit and nobody catches him.

Drink an entire new drink if...
...during Brad Pitt's (Moneyball) acceptance speech George Clooney runs up on stage and starts making out with him.
...the camera cuts to a shot of Meryl Streep and she's shooting up heroin.
...The Artist wins "Best Conversation About 'Harry Potter' During a Sex Scene".
...Robin Williams, dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, accepts on Oscar on Meryl Streep's (The Iron Lady) behalf.
...Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close wins "Best Scene Involving Someone Shitting Herself in a Wedding Dress". Drink an extra drink if there's a shot of Maya Rudolph (Bridesmaids) applauding with a look of polite defeat.
...Glenn Close (Albert Nobbs) is drunk and walks up on stage dressed as Cruella DeVille from the live-action 101 Dalmatians adaptation. Drink an extra drink if she punches a puppy in the face.
...the camera cuts to a shot of Jack Nicholson's crotch and it's wearing sunglasses.

Snort a line of coke if...
...there is a special 45-minute powerpoint presentation entitled "George Takei's Favorite Internet Memes of 2011" and you can hear Jack Nicholson cackling at each one.
...the acceptance speech time-limit music is replaced with a sound clip of Cosmo Kramer's racist rant from 2006.
...Billy Crystal busts out a kazoo and starts playing Chariots of Fire while running across the stage in slow motion.
...Steven Spielberg (director and producer, War Horse) goes on stage to accept his award and Billy Crystal says "JUST KIDDING!" and then starts making fun of Spielberg for creating Tiny Toon Adventures.
...Inception, a movie from 2010, is brought back under consideration and renominated for another 283 awards including "Most Overrated Picture By College Students".
...'Occupy Academy Awards' protestors take the stage and start picketing. Snort an extra line if the security guards only mace Billy Crystal.
...Christian Bale bursts into the theater, screams "WHY WASN'T THE FLOWERS OF WAR NOMINATED??" and starts biting random people in the audience.
...someone you know on Facebook makes at least 8 statuses about the Oscars.

Man, doesn't all this sound absolutely boring? Good thing we have a drinking game! Have fun watching the Oscars, I'll be sitting at home not giving a shit and watching reruns of RuPaul's Drag Race on VH1.